I liked the game, the atmosphere, the music, the character development, and the story. The game has the building blocks of a good story—a protagonist, a setting, a struggle, and a goal. I thought the set-up was good, but I found the pacing of Nelson's friendships with the girls to be rushed. Although, I think his friendship with Kate was organic, wholesome, sweet, and sensible. I thought it was weird how Steff was into weed, and we learn that suddenly and inorganically. At least with the choices I made in the game, it felt like it came out of nowhere. Replaying the game and clicking a different choice, it comes up naturally and organically. So, keep in mind what the reader and protagonist know from the different story branches and dialogue choices made by the player. Also, I guess weed is legal now depending on the state. People can get weed legally at dispensaries. So, I don't know if it warrants the high stakes the protagonist is making it out to be, especially if the story takes place this year. Otherwise, my only complaints are the few, glaring, grammatical mistakes here and there. The story is promising with the foundation put in place. You just have to plan out and write the rest of it. I believe in you! Don't feel the need to write a long visual novel. If it's meant to be short, then make it short. Write the story for however long it needs to be.
Hi ActiveDayDreamer, thank you for your review and feedback, I'm glad that you find it to be a promising foundation!
I agree that its been left hanging for a while. This is my first time writing a visual novel so it's been a large undertaking. Length wise I would say it's only 1/4th completed. There's a lot I've planned that hasn't been added in yet.
Regarding the high stakes, I will work to flesh this out better in game. In this current version you've met Rod the reporter but that's just the start. The year isn't defined since it's not reflective of real life or any year, maybe closest to the early 2000s if i had to pin it down? Tracy tells the dark origin of drugs in this world but you'll have to choose for yourself if you believe her.
I'm excited to release the next part of the story and better flesh out the highs, the lows, and the characters. Your encouraging comment is appreciated!
Thanks for replying back to me. Thinking more about the game, I realized there were other issues in the story's writing. One, the protagonist smokes weed a lot, but nobody seems to smell that scent on him, nor does he seem to have the side effects of smoking that particular drug. It's also interesting how he's able to get the weed, but with what money if he doesn't have a job, unless he gets an allowance?
Secondly, while I never applied to college, I doubt it's that short of a process. There are also finances associated with college too, even community college, which can also cause strife between the mother and her son, or it just puts him further in debt and causes him more stress. So, those are other factors to consider when making the story more believable and also organically weaving in other minor conflict in the game that could potentially result in greater consequences.
Writing a story is a beast of its own. Finding a plot outline that fits the flow of your story, figuring out key story beats, having an idea for the beginning, middle, and end, and understanding how the characters change over time can help give you structure, flow, progression, and a plan for the main aspects of your story, making it less nerve-wracking to write and finish. You definitely can make this into a contained short story. So, starting small instead of going big is the way to go.
If you know your story, you can then identify and understand how and where the story branches off into different paths and different dialogue scenes, making moments where choices come up feel more natural, logical, and impactful.
If you don't have a firm grasp of what you're trying to convey through your story, then knowing what choices the protagonist makes in the game and when can become a more difficult task.
If you understand the basis of what kind of journey he's going on, then you can better envision the different routes he would naturally take, given his personality and circumstances. Ultimately, all stories follow a protagonist on some sort of journey at the end of the day.
Loved the style, loved the music and the character designs, but not a fan of the peculiar weed theming that underlines this game. Dialogue was very stiff and unnatural. Some people would love this but it's not for me. Good fun though. 5/10.
← Return to game
Comments
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
I liked the game, the atmosphere, the music, the character development, and the story. The game has the building blocks of a good story—a protagonist, a setting, a struggle, and a goal. I thought the set-up was good, but I found the pacing of Nelson's friendships with the girls to be rushed. Although, I think his friendship with Kate was organic, wholesome, sweet, and sensible. I thought it was weird how Steff was into weed, and we learn that suddenly and inorganically. At least with the choices I made in the game, it felt like it came out of nowhere. Replaying the game and clicking a different choice, it comes up naturally and organically. So, keep in mind what the reader and protagonist know from the different story branches and dialogue choices made by the player. Also, I guess weed is legal now depending on the state. People can get weed legally at dispensaries. So, I don't know if it warrants the high stakes the protagonist is making it out to be, especially if the story takes place this year. Otherwise, my only complaints are the few, glaring, grammatical mistakes here and there. The story is promising with the foundation put in place. You just have to plan out and write the rest of it. I believe in you! Don't feel the need to write a long visual novel. If it's meant to be short, then make it short. Write the story for however long it needs to be.
Hi ActiveDayDreamer, thank you for your review and feedback, I'm glad that you find it to be a promising foundation!
I agree that its been left hanging for a while. This is my first time writing a visual novel so it's been a large undertaking. Length wise I would say it's only 1/4th completed. There's a lot I've planned that hasn't been added in yet.
Regarding the high stakes, I will work to flesh this out better in game. In this current version you've met Rod the reporter but that's just the start. The year isn't defined since it's not reflective of real life or any year, maybe closest to the early 2000s if i had to pin it down? Tracy tells the dark origin of drugs in this world but you'll have to choose for yourself if you believe her.
I'm excited to release the next part of the story and better flesh out the highs, the lows, and the characters. Your encouraging comment is appreciated!
Thanks for replying back to me. Thinking more about the game, I realized there were other issues in the story's writing. One, the protagonist smokes weed a lot, but nobody seems to smell that scent on him, nor does he seem to have the side effects of smoking that particular drug. It's also interesting how he's able to get the weed, but with what money if he doesn't have a job, unless he gets an allowance?
Secondly, while I never applied to college, I doubt it's that short of a process. There are also finances associated with college too, even community college, which can also cause strife between the mother and her son, or it just puts him further in debt and causes him more stress. So, those are other factors to consider when making the story more believable and also organically weaving in other minor conflict in the game that could potentially result in greater consequences.
Writing a story is a beast of its own. Finding a plot outline that fits the flow of your story, figuring out key story beats, having an idea for the beginning, middle, and end, and understanding how the characters change over time can help give you structure, flow, progression, and a plan for the main aspects of your story, making it less nerve-wracking to write and finish. You definitely can make this into a contained short story. So, starting small instead of going big is the way to go.
If you know your story, you can then identify and understand how and where the story branches off into different paths and different dialogue scenes, making moments where choices come up feel more natural, logical, and impactful.
If you don't have a firm grasp of what you're trying to convey through your story, then knowing what choices the protagonist makes in the game and when can become a more difficult task.
If you understand the basis of what kind of journey he's going on, then you can better envision the different routes he would naturally take, given his personality and circumstances. Ultimately, all stories follow a protagonist on some sort of journey at the end of the day.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Loved the style, loved the music and the character designs, but not a fan of the peculiar weed theming that underlines this game. Dialogue was very stiff and unnatural. Some people would love this but it's not for me. Good fun though. 5/10.
Hi BigGroggus, thank you for your feedback!
I take this to heart and the game is still in development. I hope for an increased rating with the next release.